On Human Love


 On Human Love – Most couples don't set out to lose the generosity of their love. It just drifts. There is commonly the slow drift from the ideal to the present experience, contributed to by the irritations, disappointments and unfulfilled longings for what they hope to have, or felt they had at one point, but no longer feel or experience it. I’ve been reading a book as part of my morning prayer and reflection time, And So To God by Dom Hubert van Zeller who was a Benedictine monk. In it is this gem I read recently,  

Where marriage is concerned, a lot of idle speculation could be avoided, as well 

as subsequent misery, if the two concerned were able to see the place of self-giving in the 

union. Looked at even mathematically, if each one is more concerned with the other’s 

happiness than his or her own, the net happiness, jointly contributed to, is assured. 

 

What a lovely thought, that if the two of them were more focused on the giving, as opposed to the getting, that there would be a net receivable between them of greater value than the comparative or combative approach to “ensure” equality of gift. This plays out in so many ways. The watched pot never boils. It probably actually does boil eventually, but the time it takes, emotional toll and the missed opportunities of other gifts which could be offered in the meantime certainly reduces the positive output. Self-giving works the same way: it feels like a loss in the moment, especially when you’re staring at the ledger. 

It can be a real challenge to overcome the impulse of self-protection from __________. (Can you name the threat, concern, fear, hurt, or anticipation that fits for you?) Perhaps consider purposely and intentionally practicing self-giving expressions or practices. Try a practice of good listening, as in hearing the expressed concerns, fears and anticipation of hurts, and seeking a more mindful considerate and compassionate understanding instead of the often-habituated auto response or reaction mode of defense or protection mechanism, which inevitably interrupts, cuts off, deflects or counters the expression. The math can still work. We have much work to do!  


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